Gottlieb, an avid baseball fan, calls his rabbi a few hours before KolNidre. “Rabbi, what am I going to do? It’s the playoffs tonight and I can’t miss the Red Sox–Yankees game.”

The following contemporary guide to Tashlich is attributed to the late Richard J. Israel. Tashlich is the custom of throwing bread crumbs into the water on the first day of Rosh Hashanah to symbolize the process of ridding ourselves of sin. Among his recommendations:

Every year, before Rosh Hashanah, Morry the shamash takes the synagogue’s Talleisim to Abe’s Dry Cleaning. For twenty-five years, Abe, a member of the Shull, has cleaned them for free. But Abe has retired and sold his business to a non-Jew. Morry brings in the prayer shawls as usual, explain…

It was a scene of tranquility as mother fiddled on her phone, grandma watched television and little Jonathan played on the floor. All at once there was a loud crash as the child knocked over the coffee table.

A hotel guest was greatly disturbed one night by a series of incessant jumps and bumping that appeared to proceed from the room directly overhead. In the morning he complained to the hotel manager, and asked to have the mystery cleared up. A little later the manager brought a Jewish-looking …

A Sunday school teacher asked a boy: “Who defeated the Philistines?”

Bernie, an old Jew who has spent many years in the clothing business, is retiring. His friends ask him, “What’re you gonna do after you retire?”

Jacob the lawyer was talking to his partner over a copy of coffee.

“Dad, when does old age start?” asked the young man, looking anxiously in the mirror for signs of thinning hair.

“My grandmother didn’t understand English too well,” explained the young fellow, “but what she heard, she heard good.

A young rabbi was traveling from Minsk to Pinsk. His fellow passengers were three students from the University of Petrograd. Noticing his rabbinical garb and Semitic features, the youths began to annoy him. Their taunts proved futile, however, for the holy man paid no attention to their jibe…

“Business is so bad,” Sam Glickman kvetched. “The last two years, I’ve been losing $3,000 a week.”

Rabbi Simon Mendes, who settled near the headwaters of the Susquehanna in 1840 or thereabouts, was a good man —pious, but full of humor and adept at quick repartee.

He was a runny-nosed little pickpocket, in court for the sixth time that year. The judge knew the usual charges against the offender by heart, but this time he raised his brow in surprise.

Grandma, how long have you and grandpa been married?” Asked the romantic young granddaughter.

Hy and Miriam had only been married for ten days and their wedded life was all sugar and spice and everything nice. So it was only natural that when Hy came home from work and found his bride in tears he took her in his arms and consoled her tenderly.

A boy looked up from the editorial page of the newspaper he had been reading.

Frank and Lena are in their retirement home down in Florida. Frank calls his son and says, “Look, son, I’ve been married for forty-five years to your mother—I cannot take it anymore! I’m out of here! I can’t take the kvetching and the criticism. I’m getting my own apartment. I’m leaving.”

Clara was simply ecstatic as her suitor, on his knees, proposed marriage. Never had he or anyone else spoken so beautifully to her. His voice was like a tender caress, his words as delicate as rose petals.

 A poor Jew walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”

Two psychiatrists are leaving their building together after a long day. The younger man is completely worn out, with rumpled hair, wrinkled clothing, and a tired, sweaty face. The older man, however, looks as if he has just enjoyed a siesta.

A young man boarded a train bound for Odessa and sat down beside a prosperous-looking passenger.

“You’re in great shape,” the doctor says. “You’ll live to be 90.”

A Jewish farmer who had three sons made out a will which stipulated that one-half of his cows should go to the oldest son, one-third to the second son, and one-ninth to the youngest. After the farmer’s death it was discovered that he had seventeen cows, and no matter how the sons tried they …

Rabbi Goldman surveyed his new Torah class; each semester he made it a point to familiarize himself with the incoming students, so he began at once.

A man who had lived a life of depravity finally repented and yearned to walk in the ways of G-d. He went to the rabbi to admit his unworthiness and to beg forgiveness of the Almighty. But, in his newly-acquired saintliness, he was ashamed to confess the full extent of his past sins, even to …

A Jewish mother gives her son two ties on the first night of Chanukah. The following morning, when he comes down for breakfast, he is wearing one of them.

A drunk was heckling a stand-up comic: “You are the ugliest man I’ve ever seen!”

Esther and Sadie are talking on the phone. Esther asks Sadie, “So how’s your son?”

A Texan visiting Israel asks a farmer about his farm.

A woman instructed the artist painting her portrait, “I want you to put a gold bracelet on each wrist, a pearl necklace on my neck, ruby earrings on each ear, an emerald tiara on my head and on each finger, a 20-carat diamond ring.

A woman is walking down the street with her two grandchildren. She meets a friend who asks, “How old are your grandchildren?”

An old Jewish woman, on her eightieth birthday, decides to prepare her last will and testament. She goes to the rabbi to show it to him and ask his advice on certain points After all the monetary bequests are allotted, she tells the rabbi of two last requests. The first request is that upon …

“Rabbi,” said the president of the congregation, “I was sorry to hear that you are planning to resign for another pulpit.”

A man walks by a Judaica store and sees an odd sight: three caged parrots in the storefront window. Curious, he walks in and looks at the first bird. It has a price tag of $25,000!

This guy tells his mother that he’s finally going to get married. His mother is thrilled!

A man lodged a complaint against his Jewish neighbor, alleging that the neighbor’s sukkah was right up against the boundary between their lots, in violation of the zoning codes. The judge before whom the case was tried studied the matter carefully, and ruled that the sukkah had to be removed…

A rabbi was so avid a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed on earth.

An eighty-five year old man is driving down the highway when his cellphone rings. It’s his wife in a panic, shouting, “Be careful! Be careful! I just heard on the radio there’s a crazy person driving the wrong way down the highway!”

Horowitz buys a dog, trains him, and invites his friend Epstein over to see him. As soon as Epstein enters the house, Horowitz points to a newspaper on the floor and tells the dog, “Fetch!”

Bella was the only Jew in her class at an exclusive school in Scarsdale. Quite rightly, she considered herself a lucky girl since, in those days, only gentiles were admitted.

Four friends are sitting in a restaurant in Moscow. for a long time, nobody says a word. Finally, one man groans, “Oy.”

Joey Bishop tells about the entertainer, Frank Sinatra, who was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.

An exceptionally bright young scholar, barely out of his teens, completed a brilliant manuscript in which he explored the obscure laws and morals of jewish folklore. To help make his book more salable he went to Rabbi Elijah, the Gaon of Vilna, and begged him to write a preface.

It happened during the blackout of November, 1965, when the electric circuits went dead from Canada to Baltimore. New York was especially hit, with not a light in evidence anywhere.